Maybe what I fear

Woke up drunk on a beach in Martha’s vineyard
surrounded by 100 rabbits in the rain
We played a gig on a Governer’s yacht in the ocean
the one’s with the money wanna touch me that way
Woke up in a Chicago jail cell frozen
I think it was the very next day
maybe longer maybe farther its all erosion
all the houses and the people look the same
I will wake up somewhere else I’m hoping
somewhere else away from the pain
or maybe I’ll just keep on corroding
keep on waking up in the same place same way

 

We spoke of raccoons

I was dumbfounded in myself
I was concerned over the discomfort of my own arm
while holding your hand as you fought so hard to catch final breaths
your pain so real
but its only mine I can feel

You awoke and you whispered that you had no regrets
Remember at age 6 all alone I was left
you ran off – thought I’d let you forget?

we spoke of raccoons

you spoke of great things that you’d done in your life
seen the world in its beauty made lovers and friends
you left behind worries, empty places. your wife
and than you pulled me in close, being a dad never ends
you left behind smoking told me do whats right
and since you planted that seed I’ve not lit up since
yea I quit too dad but like you I’ll still die

than you asked me to write. I can’t even find words.
we spoke of raccoons, flowers and birds

What breath your last? would you die with eyes closed?
Do you believe that I loved you? Did you know I write prose?
I was a child when you left me and now I’m all grown
I won’t get these answers time is not mine to own

your eyes wide, you blinked and looked scared
I wiped away the drool from your face, your hair
but my arm hurt and throat dry
I just left you there.
I did not cry

looking out the window, breathing from your tube
looking out. from your pillow.

there he is.

the raccoon

 

 

Average white friends

20171207_1635261878428627.jpg

How many empty cans have I left behind – pyramids of brandnames
I was your sister                                                                                            sorority troll
I was drunk peeing in the corner plagiarizing bandaids
of Xanax blisters                                                                                           Philly superbowl
How many empty bottles have I left behind – average white friends
whose lies I swallowed to ease the pain
the whole is torn in the stomach the headache never ends
I’ve played the song to the last refrain.

How many empty souls have I left behind – addicted to their loss
I’m beyond
I can travel to your empty places for me it has no cost
across the pond
they say I’m lucky to see you but you are desolate – you are frost
attractions gone
you have died you have spoke to me in your tongue I am deaf I am  lost
countdown to none
How many ounces,
how many pills,
how many stories,
how many kills?

 

 

 

 

 

I master write

I hide the poems I write in sock drawers
under
cum socks                     and drugs
on hotel room walls
behind paintings, under rugs
Like DNA in the sheets in the sink and the tub
I wrote a thesis on napkins left at the bar and the club

I have read what was said
by my idols all dead
they passed on
left words like Jawn
that changed my life with one thread

Have my words been read would I even care?
I imagine the Spanish maid there
finding notes
that I wrote
stands crying in the hall
but she cant read this
its in English
thoughts dropped they fall

so someone asked me
cut down this old tree
shed the bark show the rings
show its age and dark things
stop throwing away
words you say
like spilled semen you tossed
all those words that were lost
washed away down the drain
just one seed could have changed
born a human a writer a lonely old maid

so I gave it a go
gripping my pen til it explodes
spilling ink into prose
my eyes pull to the back of my head
the words building up I picture her spread
til the cap pops off ink blots shoot like lead
the new black Rorschach that cannot be read

and more regret than relief
as I drift off to sleep
with my pen in my hand
softening from stone to sand

 

 

Harley Davidson

Of all the friends and I’ve lost them all
the one I miss the most is sanity
it was my decision to block his calls
there stand naked I without his profanity

I am the truth that didn’t come dream
holding a pen whose sorrow is ink
not sure the order to follow with words
a chewed cap godless I follow the herd

you swallowed that cubicle future
that bathroom stall
like so many you were sold a prison
when your heart died blood stopped in those walls
silenced heart the soundless incision

I can’t stop now in any one place
the Earth she breathes white cells get replaced
I swim the oceans looking for seas
standing still is what kills It was yours that disease

Even empty clouds do block out the sun
have their place in the world like the way that I run
it seems no point that they sometimes carry no rain
more than shade in their rivers wet tombstones and pain

like I who carry around this black book with your words its
pages my heart

my mind

my shadow

my hurt

 

 

 

Just feed the cat

The meows kept we awake insane
for days
Cried away the meaning of the stain
her ways
Like the words spinning useless brain
sounding as empty as your complaints

Priceless humor is born from disdain
I awake to let it in but it runs away
eyes let in darkness it begins again
stare at the ceiling anger remains

tiny paws scratch at the door
I’m guilty you’re hungry I sleep no more
If I just write it down it feeds the sores
so I can rest this soul complete the chore

 

 

 

 

Blanca

EnEspana

White to begin with,  the day
carefree as it
as it turned to rain
en España el graffiti es inglés
as unclean as concrete corroded by the pain

what with her departure,  to grey
on a breeze I flit
that she’d burn away
In Spain the beauty finds ingress
she slipped demoted. fell to her knees a refrain

 

I will run with the tides
[be careful what you may find]
in these clouds no sun will rise
[be wary and read the signs]
within the rain I find a cleaner mind
[the pills are made by design]
anxiety is from what might
be left behind

What we try to see
in the dousing we remove
Our bred identities.   as she
Teaches me to bleed